Happy Father's Day!

"Absent or present, engaged or indifferent, living or dead, our fathers have the most defining impact on our lives."

I paraphrase that from a sermon I heard YEARS ago, given by Michael Easley, on Father's Day. I can't remember whether we even had our kids yet, but I know I was still carrying some resentment towards my father for not being the "Ward Cleaver" type that "everyone" else seemed to have.


Boy, have I come a long way. My dad is a human being, flawed and sinful, yet he has spent his entire life trying to overcome his "natural" man. As a young man, he experienced the abuse of his mom at the hands of his dad, the divorce of his parents (very radical in those days), the re-marriage of his mother, the sporadic contact with his biological father, and the difficulty in connecting with a step-father who was not equipped to take on a 12 year old young man who thought of himself as the man of the household.


My dad, because of circumstances that arose in his childhood, felt responsible for his biological father leaving them for good, and carried that guilt into his own marriage. The guilt, plus the lack of fathering examples made it very difficult for my dad to rise above what he had observed and learned and engage at a level that was like the TV dads we saw all around us.


YET, he really tried.  My dad always made sure we were fed and clothed adequately. He worked hard at his military career so he could advance in rank, which meant advance in pay, to have the resources to care for his family. He was home as often as his military duties allowed, and in one idyllic 4 year period in Kansas, was the true "available" dad that we craved. He took us ice skating on a frozen pond, taught us how to work in the yard (a skill that sadly, none of us has really nurtured), created award-winning house decorations for Christmas, and did all the things that showed he loved us.


I'll be the first to admit, of the three children in my family, I have a special bond with my dad. I was the only child born while my dad was home from deployment. I am the one he held in his arms from the beginning. I am the only blond child in the family. I didn't know, until I was an adult, that my dad's hair had been blonde when he was a child. I was born with some medical issues that needed to be resolved, and my dad was on hand to help support my mom as she worked through the medical system to get me taken care of.


When I was halfway through high school, my dad retired from the military and announced we were moving. I was devastated, angry, and hostile. But when it was time to start school in our new location, and the house hadn't sold yet, I was the one who caved in and went to join my father. I was still angry, and carried that anger for years.


But becoming a committed believer in Christ and a parent gave me a completely different perspective. First, I understand that God is sovereign and everything that has happened within my life has been within His control and for my good...to draw me to Him. Second, as a parent I understand that sometimes you make the best choices for your children whether they agree with them or not. As a parent, I am not my children's friend. My dad could not be mine.


And now? My dad is an excellent grandpa. He teaches, nurtures, loves, and spoils quite a bit. I am shocked to discover that he will be 78 years old this August, because he sure doesn't act like an old man. (Well, okay the hearing has really gone downhill and he's a bit set in his ways, but most of the time he doesn't act like an old man!).


Finally, maturing in my own marriage has made me appreciate the difficulty in keeping a marriage alive, especially with a lot of separation. So if their marriage wasn't the ideal, it was intact -- still is. I appreciate the sacrifice that entailed. They did it for the kids.

Dads Are Irreplaceable

Dead or alive,

Good or bad,

Absent or present,

involved or indifferent . . .

Fathers have the most significant impact

on the lives of their children.

Everything a man does is modeling for his sons how to be a dad and husband. I watch the interaction between fathers and their children at the library, swim team, church, and other places. I celebrate that today's society encourages hands-on fathering. I delight in the little boys who want to be 'just like dad.'  We have a family in our church with two little boys. The dad often leads our music and is a drummer. His 4 year old son is totally engaged in imitating his dad. Two weeks ago the little boy got a 'head shave' haircut so he could look 'just like dad.' His dad is bald!  It was amazingly cute. I love that, and I love seeing how the dad works with their younger one who has some sort of muscle problem as yet undiagnosed but who is hell on wheels with his walker. Dad is encouraging, but not babying. Patient, but firm. Loving and kind. And he laughs a lot with his boys. And he clearly loves their mother.

Last summer during our swim team season I watched the interaction of one of the families who has two teen sons. The boys had been away for a camping trip and had left when their dad was out of town, so it had been a while since they'd seen him. When they returned it was to the swim meet where their dad was officiating. The young men came in and both of them launched at their dad with great big hugs and laughter and clear joy for all three. It was beautiful to see. It was what I imagine when I see my mind's picture of the father welcoming home the prodigal son -- sheer joy at reuniting. I thought, "that is the kind of young man I want my daughter to marry - one who has that kind of relationship with his dad."

DADS MATTER

Everything a man does is modeling for his daughters what kind of man to choose and how they should expect to be treated. Sadly, many men, as their daughters become the hormonal basketcases teen girls are, back off and treat them differently. But that's when the girls need their dads most. Girls that age feel their bodies are betraying them. None of them feel like they're pretty. Every zit is 10x bigger in their mind and they're either too skinny or too fat or their hair is too this or that.  Girls need their biggest fan to tell them they are beautiful. I can be the one that says, "you're right, that outfit isn't very flattering." Their dad needs to tell them that they are absolutely beautiful to him. He also needs to tell them when the outfit they want to wear is not modest enough. Dads being loving when the girls are being awful prepares the girls for when they're married, pregnant, and hormonal or married, menopausal and hormonal. They need to know that they are worth the investment --that a man who loves them will hang in there in the tough times.

I see many dads who are totally hands-on with their little girls under a certain age. But I see less of that in the teen years. It's almost as if the dads hand the teen daughters over to the mothers to deal with. I have become more aware of it in our household and the only way to counter it is to acknowledge my complicity. You see, I LIKE being the ONLY ONE who can solve a child's problem. It validates me as a mom. And I'm much more ready to concede that my husband is best for our son to emulate than to think that he can solve our daughter's dilemmas! As if I'm the only one with good ideas!

But God has shown me my selfishness in this. My daughter NEEDS her dad to spend time with her and help her think through solutions to problems. An example is next Sunday. She'll be leaving for Governors' School, which is a 4.5 hour drive southwest of here. We can't both go because our son will be returning from a camp-out and will need a pick-up. I desperately want to go and had planned to. I've tried to justify it on the grounds  that I'm the only one who knows all the details of the check-in procedure, etc. I've even tried to ignore that I have trouble staying awake on long drives when I'm by myself (the way back). But God . . . 

My own dad was away a lot when I was a young child. When I was a teen our family was in crisis, and I blamed him for our move. I left a high school that I loved in a state that I loved for a high school and place that I hated. Rationally, I knew that he had to go where the job was. Emotionally, I was hostile and difficult. My older sister had put my parents through h*ll in her teen years, so I think by the time I started being rebellious he was just weary. At any rate, he didn't engage. And as soon as I could get out of that town I began living a life of destructive choices, looking for affirmation of my worth. I didn't pull out of that behavior until about eight years down the road. I managed to finish my education and get started in life, but with a whole lot of baggage that I might not have had.

When I became a mom, I forgave my dad. I now understood that the hardest thing to do as a parent is to always make the right choice. And although he wasn't Ozzie or Ward, he worked hard to do the best he could to provide for his family. He gave us what he was able to give emotionally, and none of us ended up destitute. In fact, three kids = three intact marriages, three college degrees, two post college (one JD one MD). We all own our own homes, pay our taxes, and those of us with kids are raising our kids to love the Lord FIRST.

As I read/listen to the psychobabble that says kids can get by without a dad, my answer is that getting by isn't good enough. Kids need to thrive. And for that, they need a dad.

So Happy Father's Day to my dad and to my husband. My prayer for both of you is that your children and their children will remember you as men of integrity who loved the Lord, loved their wives, and did not exasperate their children!